HIT, a prose piece by Merle Strauss

HIT,

by Merle Strauss

Steve died yesterday, finally giving up the Covid-19 fight after eleven days in the ICU. He was stubborn, was going to beat it, but although on oxygen, he tired too soon and succumbed.

I received the text while on the exercise bike. I got off, stunned. Frank and I talked. Not just another number, but the brother of a close person in my family’s life. That made a difference. It made everything more real.

I got angry. Not just sad that Steve died, but angry, roaring angry. Lion angry. So very angry, too, at the virus, at the whole scene. It was enough – enough! It needed to end. Then!

Amazingly, almost instantly, I remembered the video Jada had recently sent me. In it, her teacher, Adam, had said, “Especially now, put your emotion into movement.” And I did. I remounted the bike and channeled my anger into pedaling. My speed rose – 71, 72, 73, up to 75, so incredibly high for me. My anger soared. I pictured me stomping my feet uncontrollably, punching madly, letting out a schrai like a wild woman. I pedaled fiercely from 73-75 for fifteen minutes. Unbelievable. I then suddenly stopped. I remained still for a while. Tears came, and shaking.

The tears flowed – softly, followed by quiet sobs. I surrendered to them. I dismounted the bike and left the room. I needed to be alone. Still shaking, I slowly sank down to the bedroom floor and rocked back and forth, sobbing. The sobbing escalated. My breathing quickened. I don’t know for how long. I thought to sit as still as I could, and with closed eyes, breathed slowly and fully, focusing on the sound of my inhales and exhales – iiiin and ouuuuut, iiiin, and ouuuuut. I could feel the ebb and flow of the ocean tide. I could feel some calm wash over me. When I opened my mouth, some of my exhales became sighs, which helped release tension. In time the sobbing and shaking subsided, and eventually came to an end. I stayed with the breathing. When my heartbeat returned to normal, I opened my eyes. I felt like I had come back from someplace far away. The room was quiet, as was I. I didn’t move. If only for a moment in time, I was at peace.

April 10, 2020
Santa Fe, New Mexico

Handprints, the poetry and prose of merle strauss, was published in 2019. In addition to being an author, Merle plays chamber music in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and sings in an opera chorus, the Verdi Chorus, in Los Angeles, California. In Los Angeles, at The MS Achievement Center, Merle practices dance/movement therapy with groups of individuals who have multiple sclerosis, and in Santa Fe, through the Santa Fe Symphony’s Mentoring Program, she works with students in string orchestras in public schools.

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